Oct 21, 9:15 am

Ohhh it was a hot one today. Actually, I think it was humidity. Ever since it started raining about a week and a half ago, the yoga room has been getting very warm. The windows even get opened sometimes, and while the fresh air is nice, I think it just lets in more humidity, and I still feel new sweat running down my back. I am still surprised when I pick up my towel at the end of class and it is actually heavy, but I think that will become the norm, soon.

Today was a struggle for me, both physically and mentally. Two Wednesdays ago, I had a rough class. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to move my body, I am thinking "kick up," but nothing happens. It was one of these classes. On Thursday, I was laid off. On Friday I went to class, a bit worried that it would be a hard one bc of the emotions I was going through after losing my job. Instead, I had a really strong class. I surprised myself with this thought partway through the floor series: "I just don't have the energy to resist."

As soon as I thought that, my next thought was "WHAT? Did I just say that it is taking up my energy to create bad classes?" What a horrible thing to think, but of course this is a wonderful thing to be aware of. I was thinking about this again today as I struggled - am I creating this struggle for myself? Of course I know that I am, but knowing how to end the struggle is something else.

I moved to a new city at the end of June, and since practicing at this new-to-me studio, I have felt like my yoga practice is regressing. I have been having a harder time with the heat, I sit out postures (which I never used to do), and I just know that I am not pushing myself as hard. I know that I have gone through plateaus before, but I am coming to realize that I am giving myself this struggle because I miss my old studio. The teachers aren't the same, the heating system isn't the same, the carpet smells bad, there's no waiting room outside the studio - I think I do poorly so I can blame something in my new studio, and then prove that my old studio was better. But who am I proving this to? Who benefits from me having a bad class, and why does it matter that I liked my old studio more?

I am glad that I am becoming aware of this, as it means I can work to stop doing this to myself, and get back into giving my all into the yoga. It really shouldn't/doesn't matter whether I practice on a rubber floor or carpet, whether the teacher knows me by name and will give me corrections, and whether there is a bench to sit on outside the door when I come out exhausted from class. The postures are what matter. My focus is what matters. My breath is what matters. The rest is only the trimmings. Now, I just need to figure out how to take this information, and live it while I am in the hot room.